Excerpt from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. A brilliant author by anyone's terms, may he/she be stupid or not. If you have read the book, this is the Prologue of it. If not, then this may pique your interest and get you to reading it.
The Alchemist picked up a book that someone in the caravan had brought. Leafing through the pages, he found a story about Narcissus.
The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the narcissus.
But this was not how the author of the book ended the story.
He said that when Narcissus died, the goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.
"Why do you weep?" the goddesses asked.
"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.
"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."
"But... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.
"Who better than you to know that?" the goddesses said in wonder. "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!"
The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said:
"I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."
"What a lovely story," the alchemist thought.
I would greatly like to think like that lake. Of course, his words were hugely viewed as that of a narcissist, just like how Narcissus was to the lake, but think of this... Would the lake be narcissistic if it weren't for the fact that the lake has something to be proud on? Don't get me wrong. I'm not one to say if the lake is indeed as beautiful as he thinks he is, but at least, he has some self esteem to think so. The lake sounded a bit arrogant and conceited, ignoring the fact that someone actually appreciated his banks, if just to see his own reflection in it. That lake, or maybe even that person named Narcissus, is admirable. I want to be like them. Hell, I need to be like them.
Here's the thing: I'm not saying that I want to be narcissistic, arrogant, boastful or conceited, which does point to one thing: interminably liking myself and only myself. I can never, ever be satisfied with myself, so don't even come to thinking that I'm narcissistic, or I will blow your head off your neck with a shotgun or rifle. I want to have self esteem. Let me define self esteem, for those of you unfortunate enough to have encountered this word before or have encountered this word, but didn't know what it meant. SELF ESTEEM: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect. I also happened to see that self esteem is said to be synonymous to pride, which some of you may say is bad. Not all pride is bad, what's bad is your exaggeration of it and if you're boasting about it. Self esteem... well, it gives you something to appreciate about yourself. Hmmm... a bit too much to think of at this age, but take heed. Self esteem, to whoever, in whatever age, when low and lacking, will definitely wreak havoc to them.
In my case, I have a severe lack of self-esteem. If you do not know me, then you're not aware of the things that I say about myself. If you have read my past posts, then you know how much being myself is hectic and problematic. Even now, I'm finding it hard to organize my thoughts and type it down, so I apologize if I may go this way and that and get a tad bit confusing. I'm paranoid, I have insomnia, I have a definite anger towards everything I do, which at often times I believe is not exactly what should've been done. To simply put it, I defy all the laws of liking yourself. If someone ever came up to me and asked if I would want to start my life over as someone else, I would gladly say yes while jumping up and down. But of course, I shan't ever be given that choice, as nothing in this life is irreversible once you've put it into action. I may have my regrets, but the things in this life that I have found magical will always be with me, regretted or not.
I want to believe in myself. I want to be the girl who knows that she can do something great if only she sets her mind to it. I want to be the kind of person that people respect not because she demands respect, but because she respects. I want to be someone who could actually be of importance to this world and that after a few years, would be remembered for something great she did. I now sound like I'm posing for a Centrum commerical, and would probably end up saying, 'I want to be complete.' which kinda sucks because being incomplete is what I want to be. I don't want to be perfect. I like being imperfect, because being imperfect gives me a valid enough reason to keep on striving to be even just near perfect. If I am perfect, which I will never be seeing as nobody's perfect, I wouldn't have the need to do anything even remotely improving of myself, because nothing needs improving anymore. I like being imperfect, but I like to be imperfect and love myself for it.
Wanting doesn't really mean needing. I want this, but what if I don't need it? Is it really necessary? I don't know. Is it necessary for me to like myself? Yes, because you need to like yourself before you can truly like others. Liking others without liking yourself is just a form of shallow liking. If ever Mark Twain is alive right now, I know he'd slap me in the head for not making any sense anymore. Sorry Mark Twain, I'm defying psychology. Haha. Anyways, I want and I need to grow to liking myself. That's just the end to it. I'm afraid that like Narcissus though, liking myself too much may lead to my downfall.
But I think what that story was trying to say was that real beauty cannot be seen by a person him/herself. It can only be truly seen through another's eyes. The lake, in all its splendor and greatness, never managed to see its own beauty by itself. It only managed to contemplate itself when Narcissus appreciated him. In this act of working together, both managed to see the beauty of each other, one physical and the other more of inside beauty. Narcissus, by looking at the lake, only managed to contemplate his beauty outside. But the lake, when Narcissus appreciated it and looked at it everyday to see his own beauty, saw its own beauty through Narcissus's eyes. It isn't talking about physical beauty like Narcissus, but its speaking in a level that Narcissus didn't managed to comprehend because he never got past his physical appearance. The lake found itself beautiful because someone appreciated it and found it entirely useful. Through the time that Narcissus spent by the lake, the lake managed to realize that it could be of use to anyone and indeed, it was beautiful even just for that purpose. What a beautiful story indeed.
Hating myself for making a useless blog post,
devast8ed.dreamer